I have gone back and forth out writing this post but ultimately want to for my own reminder and to help anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. Tomorrow is a big day in the Wilkinson home. Our sweet and precious son Eli is FINALLY getting a diagnoses. This has been a journey that for me has seemed like forever. It started a year ago after recognized some major social differences in school (eating things like EVERYTHING; styrofoam plates, crayons, toys, etc., not really interacting with peers, quoting movies and shows instead of conversing) . There are not many who know we have been on this journey because I have been so fearful to share out of judgement.
Here is what I want to remember before these is a name put to PERFECT little man! He is a gift I never expected to love as much as I do. He was a true miracle born at 28 weeks, weighing less than 2 lbs and spending 67 days in the NICU before coming home to us. He is truly a dream come true and NO diagnoses can define him. I am crying as I write this for so many reasons. Fear, joy, sadness, anger and hope.
Fear of the future and what they will say tomorrow. Fear of what he might experience in school when kids can be mean. I want him to be wanted! (Sidetone: His current teacher is a true angel on earth to me! I really cannot say it enough. I fear so much him not being wanted and his teacher LOVES LOVES LOVES HIM!!! She prays for him, loves him in his differences, helps him grow and challenges him to learn! She is a true gift and will have lots of jewels in her crown in heaven because of the kindness she has shown my boy. Ok, rant over.) Fear over me being a failure on his behalf. Did I do something wrong? Could have done something sooner? Is this my fault? I know I will cry no matter what they say. Ha. Shocker! I know, I am a crier.
Joy over all that Eli brings to my life. He is the most fun and so creative. He is BRILLIANT!!! He knows so much! All his colors, letters, numbers, and can literally quote anything he has seen or heard once. He LOVES to sing and that brings me so much joy!!! Books are his true favorite! He would sit with you and let you read to him for hours.
Sadness and anger go hand in hand for me here. I am both sad and fiercely angry over words that have been spoken about my son by people who are ignorant, hurt, or angry, people who don’t know my sweet sweet boy, but like to think they do. People have said we should beat him, get him under control and several have just off the cuff said, “have you thought of autism?”. He is NOT defined by these words!!! He is INCREDIBLE needing no explanation.
I feel sadness of any past or future struggle Eli will have in school, relationships, or internally. It has been hard to hear him called “special needs”. While I know he is special and he does require some needs that other kids don’t, he is still so spectacular to me! What I hope is that he knows daddy and I are ALWAYS PROUD OF HIM!!!! He is ours and we will do all we can to support and love him.
There are days that in selfish moments I am angry that this is a part of my journey. What did I do to make this happen? This is a lie and a temptation that is not glorifying to the Lord! I see other moms who make it all look so easy and I feel like I am dying. However, one of my sweet friends once told me that I was given Eli because I have just the gifts to help him. She is right! The special mommas get the special babies! I have been listening to the one person who said I was a “bad mom” instead of the COUNTLESS who have told me how great I am! Those are people who know me and my Eli! We are a great team! Sure we have off days like any mom and child but I have to tools to unlock Eli’s full potential because that Lord says so! He entrusted him to me and He gifts me everyday to help him. This again is not about me but my boy, I just needed a tiny venting moment.
Then there is HOPE! I feel so much hope! Tomorrow will be a great day regardless because we will be making progress for my boy. Like I said there is no diagnoses that I will not cry, but it is again all good. They could say he is ADHD, a premie boy that just needs to keep going through therapy to catch up, that he has Aspergers, or that he is somewhere else on the Autism spectrum and it will not change who my Eli is one bit!
Here is what I know! He is fearfully and wonderfully made! He is a Child of King!!! He is my perfect gift and I would rather have his precious face in my life than not. He will change those he encounters! The people who really KNOW HIM, LOVE HIM!!!! We pray ALL THE TIME that he would be BRAVE and HE IS!! He loves FIERCELY!!! He is my favorite to cuddle with and watch/quote Bob the Builder, Thomas, Little Einsteins, or Octonauts. He gets the quoting from Daddy because I can’t quote a dang thing. He is NOT defined by the words of others but by what scriptures says he is!!! He might be “different” but as I have said so many times already, he is PERFECT!!!! He has so much to offer. Watch out world, Eli Xavier Delane Wilkinson is coming for you and you will never be the same!!!!
Moving forward I want to encourage those of you who like to think things about others, DON’T! You don’t know their story, what they have been through that day, how they are feeling, what type of journey they are on! We are all beautifully made! If for a minute we took time to stop focusing on others and just looked upward and inward it would be so awesome!!!! We can be encouraging instead of degrading! Speak life over other people!!! Speak life!!! If you are hurting don’t hurt others with your words but ask for help and speak life over yourself too!!! If you are hanging out with someone and you don’t know what to talk about don’t pick someone else or their innocent children!!!! Instead, maybe subscribe to the Skimm so you can talk current events, politics, the weather, sports, or even yourself. Truly anything but others!!!! If we were all for each other in this journey, life could be so great!!
I am off to snuggle my little boy who gets to sleep in my bed tonight because Daddy is traveling and I look forward to tomorrow. Tears and all. Ha! We will glorify the Lord whatever is spoken because Eli is PERFECT just as he is!
Also, sorry for the never ending post, I know there are others who are struggling with stories much harder, children dealing with cancer, a heart defect, loss of limb, etc. Even the loss of a child! You would give anything to have them back! This world is brutal! You are true angels on earth and I think of you and pray for you every day! I am not playing a victim or comparing our story to anyone so please know you truly are in my prayers and I think you are strong, wonderful and AMAZING parents! God bless you and your PERFECT babies!!!!